I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Randomize
