I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
