I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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