made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
