Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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