I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
