Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
