I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
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