Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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