you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
