our cab driver is having phone sex.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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