Sry I called you an 8
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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