Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
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