I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
