Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
