The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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