the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
