Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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