can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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