U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
mondays should just be called national damage control day
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
