So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
