he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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