shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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