So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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