I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
