Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
