found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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