oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Ketchup is God's man juice
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Randomize
