As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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