I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
