I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
My ass is underappreciated
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
