I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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