so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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