My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
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