The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
