Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
