wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
