I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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