if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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