someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
