like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I did not marry a roomba.
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