i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
