why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
