the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
