I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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