Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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