I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
