I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
