My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
