My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
